Pain in words

This entry took me very long and a lot of courage to write. Every word and sentence brings me back to that day it happened. This is my painful story in words.

Usually at this hour you would be knocking on my door, yelling at me to go sleep. And my usual reply would be “later” although I still hang on the computer for hours. Tonight it is silent. No knocks, no nagging, no you. I admit I miss how you cared for me in so many small ways I only really realized when you’re gone. Like buying me the food I like or scolding me for coming home late. Now when I come home in the wee hours, the house is silent. No one is waiting there for me or expecting me to come home. Sometimes I imagine myself seeing shadows of you reclining on our living room chair sleeping with newspapers opened on your lap. Am I crazy to miss you so much that I am seeing things?

I remembered it so clearly, and no matter what I do to forget it, it is embedded in my memory.

The night was nothing in particular, in my room just surfing the net like every other night. Mom suddenly came in and asked me to go downstairs. I walked halfway downstairs and saw you lying unconscious on the living room floor in your singlet and shorts. My second brother was doing CPR and it seemed very serious. I rushed down and asked what happen. You collapsed after a tedious workout. And till today I hated myself for not being able to change things. If I was downstairs or asked you to go out with me, you would still be around perhaps.

I tried to call the ambulance. This is how it went:

“Hello I have an emergency, my dad just collapsed and he is unconscious” (stumbling over words)

“Calm down yes what is your name please”

“XXX XXXX XXX”

“Now how do you spell that is it L..?”

“(Spells name by alphabet)”

“Okay so Miss Lee what is the situation?”

“I just told you that my dad collapsed and is unconscious can you send an ambulance over now?” (panicking while looking at dad's conditioning still not responding)

“Okay firstly how old are you?”

“(WTF?) 20”

“Okay now how is the patient’s condition?”

“HUH? He is unconscious I dunno what’s wrong? Just send an ambulance quickly please.” (Panicking to the max)

“Okay wait I have to ask if the patient is (goes on to ask a series of questions including my IC number and occupation etc)”

“I’m not sure can you please send the ambulance over?!” (Almost yelling at this tensed situation)

“Okay Miss Lee what is your address please?”

“XXXXXXX XXXXXXX”

“(Repeats very slowly) Okay is it XXXXXX XXXXXX”

“Yes”

“Okay what is your contact number?”

“016 XXX XXXX”

“Is it 016 XXX XXXX?”

“Yes, please hurry!"

“Okay we will send a team over it will take a while just continue doing CPR on the patient”

“Okay please be quick!”

The whole conversation took 5-10 minutes. Frankly, I don’t care if it’s standard procedure or whatever excuse. If this happened to your family member, and he / she is quickly dying, would you care to answer all this crap slowly? Isn’t there a better way to inquire questions faster and more efficient when there is an emergency?

Even later on, the ambulance had to ask me for directions cause they were not sure where my house is. At that point of time I wanted to scream so bad, I mean shouldn’t they have a GPS or something instead of trying to find their way? People’s lives are at stake and every minute counts. Without this emergency I wouldn’t have first-hand experience on how terrible medical help here is and seriously anyone would have died waiting for a goddamn ambulance.

It took them nearly 20 minutes or more to reach my house. My dad has been unconsciously for more than half an hour already. While me and my brother take turns to do CPR constantly, when the medical team arrived they looked so messy arranging the stuff. At that time, there was already no heartbeat from my father. I did not want to hope for the worst so I prayed very hard, I told myself this won’t happen to me. He will be okay. This just doesn’t happen.

My brother and I drove one car and my mom was in the ambulance. We were rushing to University Hospital and the ambulance suddenly stopped halfway. My mom called and say there were doing emergency procedures inside. More delay to the hospital.

I tried not to think negative. I told myself he would be okay. I prayed more than 30 times that night.

When we reach the hospital my dad was in the emergency room. We waited outside and I kept imagining the doctor coming out and telling me “oh it was just a minor …he will be just fine” like in the TV.

And I would see my father coming out in a wheelchair tired after the operation but alive and well smiling at me with his twinkling eyes and crooked teeth.

I waited, I waited the longest, most painful 1 hour of my life. Doctors who came out kept saying there was still no heartbeat and if there was, it was very very weak.

I still sat at the corner praying, I mean dying is so extreme, it will never happen to me, no that’s crazy.

We stood outside holding each others hands, me, my mom, my two brothers and their wives. We prayed very hard together. We cried, we yelled for God’s help. It was the most desperate time of my life.

After more than an hour with 4 doctors or more just working on my dad, they said there is no hope because he already has no heartbeat for so long or a weak one.

It didn’t hit me at first, I wanted to laugh cause I thought it was a bad joke. He isn’t dead that’s just crazy talk.

Then it did. Hard reality hit me so hard without mercy. He is dead. I sat at the corner and started to cry. People just looked and I didn’t care. The whole world just seemed like nothing and nothing was important anymore. I texted some people I don’t remember who. I tried to call anyone who would calm me down but it was stupid cause I know no one could.

We walked into the emergency room and there my dad was, with the oxygen tubes pumping his lungs. He seemed alive with his stomach moving just that his eyes were closed. I hugged him so bad, I held his hand, I cried on him, I asked him to get up. People might have thought I was mad, but I didn’t care. Such pain and grief and desperation was also a first time for me.

When the doctor said it was time to take off his oxygen supply I couldn’t bear it. Because it symbolizes that he is really dead. My clothes, my face, my hair was soaked in tears. My heart was so painful I could endure a million heartbreaks.

He died of a heart attack. A massive one that triggered his already wounded artery from the bypass twenty years ago.

We had to call the pastors , the funeral service people and the police to issue the death certificate.

Death sounded like a business. That’s reality. No one cares that your dad died, the hospital wants his body to be moved to the funeral house, the funeral house wants income by introducing “packages” for you and the police are just doing their everyday job.

And you just have to suck it up that your dad just died twenty minutes ago and put on a proper face to deal with these people.

Sorry, I couldn’t. My mom and brothers did the business talk while I sat at the side alone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want anyone to comfort me. I just felt so much hate, pain and sorrow towards everything.

The nurses were laughing and gossiping and even let a cat into the hospital. I don’t know why this disturbed me.

We left the hospital a few hours later, everyone was very tired.

I slept with my mom that night. I heard her crying in the middle of the night and that was because I was curled up facing the other corner crying the whole night silently.

The next day we had to go to the funeral home to select the coffins. The person in charge was introducing some packages to us but seriously we’re not bothered. Who cares if you throw in some more flowers for us? Who cares if this coffin is made of gold? I really don’t.

We chose a proper coffin and took whatever package the person said was good.

People who heard the news texted me or called me. Someone asked me to “Cheer up , c’om smile for me , I wanna hear you laugh c’om”

Seriously, you are an idiot. Asking me to laugh and smile at a time like this. If you do not know how to pay condolences just shut up.

Or some said “Move on this is life, just don’t think about it”. Why don’t you be in my shoes and I tell you to move on? And don’t think about it? Yeah, just busy yourself with stuff I’m sure you won’t think about the fact your family member passed away when you’re busy enough right?

I know some of them mean no harm, but at a time of someone’s grief maybe the best is just to pay your condolences instead of trying to preach about life and death.

When we were asked to view my dad’s body before they went to “beautify” it. It was really painful to look at your own father lying there frozen cold and hard as a rock out from the freezer they kept him & other dead bodies, unable to move, mouth opened. The image of him frozen still haunts me till today. I held his cold hands and cried even more.

During the memorial service, the press were around interviewing and capturing footage. I really wanted to hit the reporters so hard. I tried to sit at a corner and cry so that I wouldn’t cry when the hundreds of people come pay respect to my dad but the camera just followed me around, taking images of me crying, sitting alone. Seriously, I think grief should be private and you couldn’t imagine how much disrespect and anger I felt I wanted to throw my shoes at them. It doesn't matter that a daughter is heartbroken at her father's funeral, all that matters is you get the footage of her crying herself silly so that you can put it on the 7 O' Clock news for everyone to see.

On the day of the funeral, I’ve wept so much I couldn’t cry anymore. My eyes were so very swollen and I didn’t sleep or eat very much for a few days. Cameras were still around and I looked like a zombie but I still didn’t care. Nothing seemed important anymore, food, sleep these were just things that couldn’t bring my dad back. We sat a limo for the first time. How ironic for it to be such a time. We had four police escorts to the funeral ground. How grand they sent my dad for his last moments.

If only he could see this he would know how big an impact he had in the lives of so many. How hundreds of people came to his memorial and spread stories of his legacy and how he touched their lives. He always put the people first serving their needs.

I remember how whenever I was at the hospital for my operations he would come early in the morning and stay till late just by my bed side. Knowing how much work he had I was more important to him than that. I remember how he would discipline me always as he was a strict dad but a loving one. I remember how he hugged me when I told him I was so heartbroken over a guy. I wish I could still have all that, but I can only have one dad.

I watched them nail his coffin shut I almost wanted to yell : "Hey how is he suppose to breathe?" Stupid girl, he is already dead. They lower him into the dirty ground. Trust me I wanted so much to stop them from burying my dad but yeah I know it sounds so silly you must think I'm mad.

I know he won’t be here to watch me graduate, watch me get my first job in the office, or watch me get married if I ever do. He won’t be here to watch me raise my kids, he won’t know how it will be to be a grandfather.

For many months I dreamt of him and in my dreams he was always alive, some of them were happy. Some dreams I tried to save him from dying but I keep failing in the end. Whenever I woke up, I felt an instant pang of lost and sometimes I get confused on whether he was still alive. I don't know how to explain but it might sound like madness.

You are not here anymore and I can’t hear you, I can’t feel you. But I remember your words of advice and how you raised me to be who I am. I will try my very best to live out your words and what you hope for me because I know how much you love me too and want the best for me.

Sometimes I wonder how are you? Have you had your tea? How is the weather there? Do you think of me? I wonder a lot of silly things because dad I love you and miss you so dearly.

From, Your daughter with love.